Are You There, God? It’s Me, Moses
Published here.
1 And Moses did climb up the outrageously steep mountain. 2 And he did climb for a really, really long time because the mountain was pretty steep, 3 and on the seventh day he rested, 4 and he did continue to rest for a while, as he was a pretty lazy biblical character and he didn’t have anywhere to be anyway. 5 And finally a couple days later he did continue up the mountain, whereupon he did climb to the top and he did stand on the top and he did take a break for another couple minutes. 6 Then he did see a sight that did strike awe into his mortal heart, for he did see a burning bush, a bush that was smoking with the holy flame of almighty God. 7 And he did approacheth the mighty bush, and he did quake, 8 and thus the bush did spake: “Care for a smoke? I’ve got DuMaurier.” 9 And Moses did loosen up, and he did say no, he did only smoke Camels. 10 And he did pull up a rock and chill with the bush, who turned out to be a cool guy, you know, being God and all.
11 And Moses did ask the bush what it was like to be God of the universe, 12 and the bush did shrug his noble branches, and said that it was “a’ight,” and it was good. 13 And they did talk about the weather, and how it was pretty hot for a Sunday, because to be honest they didn’t really have much in common. 14 So they did sit around for a while in uncomfortable silence, 15 and Moses did rack his brain for what to say, 16 and he did ask the bush if he had did seen the last episode of Babylonian Idol.
“Moses, don’t get me started on Babylonian Idol.”
“What are you talking about? There’s this girl who sings a cover of ‘Smells Like Holy Spirit’ that would knock your socks off.”
“How many times do I have to repeat myself to you guys? Thou shalt not make unto thee any idol, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them. Seriously, do you just tune out whenever someone gives a sermon?”
“Sorry, I didn’t know. If you’d said anything…”
“I said something. You guys were just too busy begetting this and begatting that…”
“Sorry, God. If you would write this kind of thing down, it would be so much easier.”
“Excuse me, do you see any opposable branches? If I had opposable branches I’d be commanding all sorts of things all over the place, but as you can see, I don’t have opposable branches.”
“Tell you what. I’ve got a couple tablets in my backpack. Let me grab ‘em, and you can get some of this stuff down.”
17 And Moses did grabbeth the tablets from his backpack, 18 and he did grabbeth his chisel and his hammer, 19 and also some whiteout for if he did make a mistake. 20 And he did sit before the bush, and he did wait to take down the Holy words of the Lord.
“Damn, you’ve caught me off guard. Now I can’t remember anything. Ummm… Can we do something about me being really awesome?”
“Alright. Number one: Lord… A-w-e-s-o-m-e.”
“Do the Idol one after that. And, um… It should have something where they can’t swear by me, because it really pisses me off when people say ‘Oh my God.’ Make them say OMG instead.”
“OMG? I think you’d get a lot of people pissed off. You know we haven’t invented Latin characters yet, right?”
“Okay, okay. Tell you what, put in something about chilling out. You folks are too uptight. Every week, just relax, call your Mom and Dad, ease on up.”
“I’m going to split that into two commandments, is that cool?”
“Sure.”
21 And Moses did record the first five Commandments of the Lord, and he did chisel them with his hammer and chisel of righteousness, and it was good, but not great, for the Lord did remain dissatisfied.
“That’s five, right, Moses? Pretty boring for the first five. Let’s toss in some sex and violence. Number six, no murder. Can you draw some pictures? Maybe a guy’s head exploding? Or a guy on a cross. Okay, maybe not the cross, but I’ve gotta use that one sometime.”
“You know what, God? I’m not feelin’ this. I think we need something more original. To be honest, you’re kind of going for all the obvious ones. We need something that’ll show them who’s The King. Something that’ll really kick them in the junk.”
“Figuratively or literally?”
“How ’bout this: no sex outside of marriage.”
“Moses, are you kidding me?”
“You’re a vengeful God. You’re a merciless God.”
“You’re an unreasonable jerk.”
“Honestly, you can’t call yourself God of Man until you’ve destroyed everything they have to live for.”
“Well, that is true.”
“Then it’s done. Can I write something about taking people’s stuff? My buddy Aaron borrowed my favourite chisel the other day and didn’t give it back. If I tell him God said he couldn’t, he’d be so burned.”
“Hey, I saw that. He lent it to Zachariah.”
“Asshole! He told me he was still using it! I’m putting in something about being a lying jerkface.”
“Check the top; does it say the Ten Commandments of Moses? Take that off.”
“Sorry God, it’s set in stone.”
“I could smite you right now.”
“Go ahead. What are you going to do? Hit me with your branches? Ooh, I’m scared.”
“You are so damned.”