A tour in Turin (with mustache peter)
Professor Constance Milonovich returns from the Olympic Games
by Jim Broadshaw
Queen’s University has a fine history of sending amateur athletes to the Winter Olympics. Erika Hart, an applied science alumnus from the class of ’87, won a silver medal in ski ballet at the 1988 Olympics in Calgary. What often goes unmentioned, however, is the vast number of professionals who help Canadian Olympians reach the podium. Constance Milonovich, professor within the faculty of Physical Education, just returned from the Turin Olympics where she applied the same theory she teaches here at Queen’s: Milonovich is Canada’s foremost Sports Astrologer. We spoke to her upon her return from Italy.
Q: When you say you’re a sport astrologer, what do you mean by that?
A: Professional athletes are a temperamental bunch. If they lack confidence, they are completely incapable of performing in their chosen sports. That’s where I come in. I build their confidence by helping them visualize how it will all play out. I tell them that their moons are in phase, and how that will affect their stride.
Q: Sports astrology sounds like it’s relatively new. How long has this been around?
A: Sports astrology is far from new. We’ve been around ever since the first Olympians got stage fight about having to take their togas off, or having to run around for two days without stopping for a gyro. But sports astrology has grown in leaps and bounds since the Greek soothsayers read the soles of a marathoner’s feet to determine how long it would take for him to die. Nowadays, a lot of math goes into figuring that out. Athletes will only trust you if you talk about trigonometry; it confuses the hell out of them, and they’ll basically just accept whatever you say. That’s how I convinced Scott Hamilton to wiggle his trouser snake at the judges at the Oslo Olympics.
Q: Describe the Olympic experience. What was it like to hang around with so many famous athletes?
A: During the first few days, everybody’s really tense and stressed. But eventually, after a few days and a few hard-won medals, the nervous tension is replaced by sexual tension. That breaks pretty easily. I can’t immediately call to mind how many orgies I was involved in, but it’s in the double digits, that’s for sure.
Q: What’s your best story about living in the Olympic Village?
A: Oh, that has to be the time I was drunk in the CBC pavilion. I had just come from a wild dungeon party hosted by the Hungarians, and I ended up in a sex sandwich with Ron McLean and Brian Williams. Ron kept asking me if I still had my “Don Cherry.” Brian wouldn’t shut up about Olympic sex trivia. Apparently this was the first time in history that a sports astrologer had been in a threesome with two sports announcers on Day 4 of the Winter Olympics.
Q: It sounds like the only thing happening in the Olympic Village was sex.
A: That’s not true. There were a lot of drugs, too. After they’ve finished their events, the athletes are free to get back on their steroids. A lot of really funny stuff comes out of that. I saw Todd Bertuzzi in a fistfight with Michelle Kwan. She beat the fuck out of him. Talk about ‘roid rage.
Q: So aside from the sex and drugs, was there anything you actually did at the Olympics?
A: It’s all a bit of a haze. I think I told Jarome Iginla he wouldn’t have to worry about the quarter finals. He was so reassured that he did about four more body shots off of Brad Gushue.
Q: Brad Gushue?
A: He won a gold medal in men’s curling. He’s got a cock the size of Vern Troyer. Imagine how impressive that looked with him walking around the Olympic Village with his gold medal as a cock ring. Now that’s Olympic spirit.
Q: What did you think of the official clothing provided to Canada’s Olympic athletes?
A: They were given clothing?
Q: So what did you learn from your Olympic experience?
A: When you’re high on ketamine, you feel like you’re on top of the world. But one thing you should never do is try to run a police barricade with your Austrian lover by your side, a duffel bag full of stolen blood doping equipment and two biathletes in the trunk.