Apocalypto II: Sugar Tits

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In response to JTL‘s recent findings on male-female relationships, I would like to introduce an invention that I thought up on Tuesday when I was at a country bar. It is called the non-engagement engagement ring, and you wear it on the ring finger of your left hand when you’re going out to a club and you don’t want to get hit on. It’s kinda like one of those celtic heart ring thingies, only repurposed without the new age religious overtones. Also, it’s way less lame.

One of the benefits of the non-engagement engagement ring is that you can personalize the ring to fit whichever kind of club you’re going to. So if you’re going to a classy bar it would be a diamond ring or maybe one of those lockets where you keep your cocaine, and if you’re going to a punk club it would be filled with anthrax. (Do not confuse the two when you leave your house to go to the bar.) If you’re going to a rave, it would be day-glo pink and in the shape of a soother, or in my case at a country bar you could wear a stylish bit of rope or a ring with “my baby’s mama” or “born cuntry” engraved into it. Of course, if you’re going to a gay bar there’s a whole other system to adhere to. The possibilities are endless.

If you are a boy you may not think this invention is necessary, but a girl gets VERY TIRED of having to use the “oh yeah, I do that with myboyfriend” line every time a guy flirts with her, especially in situations where it feels very ditzy to do so. (Boy: “I agree that it’s a slippery slope from the weak AI hypothesis, but I wouldn’t call the The Chinese Room Experiment bullshit.” Girl: “My boyfriend has big muscles.”) A non-engagement engagement ring would solve this completely. All the girl would have to do to get her point across (subtly but unambiguously and without embarrassment to the boy), is to take a drink with her left hand. If the guy is too nervous to make his interests known, the problem is taken care of, and if he’s actually sincerely interested in the conversation, there’s none of the awkwardness involved in a pre-emptive strike. It’s win-win!

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  • http://3jtl1.blogspot.com jason

    I felt it wise to take down the post to which you linked. I guess it’s more of a work-in-progress than I thought it was. (Shoot, though, when I was coming up with this idea — in the shower, natch — it seemed to all fit together.)

    But yes, I would be all for a “commitment ring.” Anything to help avoid awkward situations is just fine and dandy with me.